


Good Enough

by joonmeetsevil



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-08 02:43:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20285032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joonmeetsevil/pseuds/joonmeetsevil
Summary: After dating for two years without any serious fights, Jinhwan started to think that his relationship with Chanwoo was just going to be that perfect forever...





	Good Enough

After dating for two years without any serious fights, Jinhwan started to think that his relationship with Chanwoo was just going to be that perfect forever. Of course they argued from time to time but it was never anything that couldn't be settled with a quiet apology, a peck on the lips or a quick research on the internet (they both were stubborn and unable to admit they were wrong without the other somehow proving his point). 

They were that couple single people hated and made other couples feel like shit. They agreed on pretty much everything important, their quiet and introverted natures fitting each other like two pieces of a puzzle, one always filling whatever the other lacked. Chanwoo was cheeky but shy, showing his affection by teasing his loved ones and listening to them, never letting too much of his own personality show while Jinhwan had this extravagant aura, ever changing moods and a strong need of being the center of attention when he wasn't hiding in his room pretending not to hear his phone vibrating. After two years, they completed each other in such a beautiful way, watching themselves grow as their love kept on becoming stronger and stronger. But there was something Chanwoo was still getting secretly insecure about, and maybe not talking about it had not been a good idea. 

Jinhwan used to date Junhoe. In what felt like an another life, Jinhwan and Junhoe were in love and a couple for years, even before Chanwoo entered their lives. They weren't in a happy relationship. Make up sex was their trademark, they would avoid conflicts or "resolve" them pretty much anywhere but it wasn't always possible and most of the time they yelled, made each other cry and drank together as a bonding method, making everyone around them worry. Jinhwan had kept that bad habit of isolating himself in his room to drink whenever he felt bad, and Chanwoo didn't like it one bit but he always tried to remember how bad Jinhwan had suffered before their love changed everything. Junhoe wasn't a bad person, nor was Jinhwan. They were just massively toxic for each other. Not compatible. Polar opposites, that attract for all the bad reasons. That's what Chanwoo kept telling himself. Junhoe wasn't a threat because he was bad for Jinhwan and everyone knew it... right? 

Well, that didn't stop them from being together for years before. Why would it stop them now? One never forgets their first love. Chanwoo knew that, because he would never be able to forget Jinhwan, the taste of his kisses or the gentle smell in the crook of his neck in the morning. He would never forget this special smile that appeared on Jinhwan's face whenever they looked at each other in the eyes. That smile was just for him. Not for Junhoe... Junhoe had his own special Jinhwan smile, tho. Chanwoo had it on his screen, unable to look away from it. 

It's fine. It's from a photoshoot. He has to smile, Chanwoo reminded himself, but the caption above the picture of his boyfriend smiling sweetly to Junhoe had him boiling inside. "The photographer said that picture was taken when Junhoe had his solo shoot!". Jinhwan didn't know he was getting photographed in that moment. He was looking at Junhoe posing and just... smiled like that. That pretty, vulnerable smile he always had when Junhoe got home with presents after a bad fight a few years ago. That smile he wore when they finally revealed to Chanwoo that they were together after he was confirmed in the team. That smile he never wanted to see ever again. 

The photoshoot was taken several months ago, and at the time Chanwoo didn't think much of it. Jinhwan and Junhoe were the only fluent Japanese speakers in their group and the fans liked their good chemistry for interviews. Nothing wrong with that. Jinhwan was his beloved boyfriend and Junhoe was like a brother to him so he definitely trusted both of them. Just a photoshoot. But that stupid smile ruined everything. 

Obviously, Chanwoo felt he was overreacting. He could feel it in his guts, so deep inside him that it quickly got completely covered in layers of jealousy, possessiveness and anger. He genuinely tried to stop himself from getting paranoid but how could he not? HIS boyfriend, smiling like THAT to his ex, to the man he shared a bed and pretty much everything with for YEARS, way before Chanwoo came into the picture. He scrolled through the pictures once again, staring at Junhoe's perfect face on the screen. That fucker. His chiseled jawline, his dark eyes and childlike smile making him look so innocent yet so damn fucking hot, of course Jinhwan would want that back! Chanwoo felt so, so stupid for believing that wouldn't happen. Junhoe was everything he wasn't for Jinhwan : passionate, impetuous, utterly confident and extroverted. Chanwoo was just a quiet and boring homebody, rarely ever seen in public without a face mask on because he couldn't stand his bloated cheeks and protruding eyes, traces of acnea still obvious on his chin and forehead. Never took the initiative to do anything to entertain his boyfriend. That must be the reason why Jinhwan was with Junhoe tonight, and not with him. That was the reason why his boyfriend felt the need to hang out with his ex every damn week, getting out to drink whisky together and have a good laugh about how dumb Chanwoo was for thinking Jinhwan was not cheating on him. 

Chanwoo was snatched from his thoughts by a discreet knock on the door, quickly followed by the petite shadow of Jinhwan. He didn't have to knock, as it was his own room but he always did for some reason. Maybe he just wanted Chanwoo to feel like it was also his room, but he knew the younger was always happy to see him anyway. Well, not tonight. "Hey baby, I thought you'd be asleep by now." Chanwoo recognized Jinhwan's slightly staggering voice, his drunken speech. Just drunk enough to have a good time and sleep like a baby afterwards. Just drunk enough to cheat on his boyfriend and go back to him without feeling too bad. Chanwoo heard himself spit "You'd like that, uh?" 

Jinhwan sat on the bed, frowning. He looked like he hadn't heard and was trying to make sense of what the younger said. "... Why are you saying that? I'm happy you're awake... we can cuddle" and part of Chanwoo wanted to indulge so bad, but the other part wouldn't let him "I don't wanna cuddle". Jinhwan whined, clearly confused by Chanwoo's behavior but too drunk and tired to try and make sense of it "Please... I can do the cuddling if you don't feel like it" "Why don't you go cuddle with Junhoe instead? You spent the whole evening with him anyway, must as well spend the night". 

The logical and patient side of him knew this was stupid. He could still apologize and go cuddle with his boyfriend, forget about all of this. Jinhwan loved him and he loved Jinhwan. But the ugly, jealous and insecure side of him, the one he desperately tried to hide at all times, had a different take on the situation. He almost didn't hear Jinhwan whisper "baby... what's wrong? You told me it was okay to go out tonight..." 

He almost didn't hear it and he hated it. That quiet voice. Jinhwan's already hurt expression. Chanwoo never got to see it directed to him. It was always for Junhoe. He remembered it distrincly; Junhoe's harsh words after a bad day or a difficult recording session with Hanbin, Jinhwan shrinking on himself and looking at him with that same hurt look, his best soothing voice trying to calm Junhoe down because they weren't alone. Was that how he saw Chanwoo now? Was he that bad of a boyfriend?.. Of course he was. He was bad at pretty much everything anyway : singing, dancing, being an idol, looking decent, keeping himself healthy, being a boyfriend. Everything. He sucked at everything. He felt tears forming under his lids and his throat tighten. 

"Just fucking go to him, okay? I don't care. You spend all of your time with him anyway! Didn't know you liked being treated like shit so much." Jinhwan let out what sounded like a short sob, but his suddenly angry look didn't go well with it. Chanwoo could see his boyfriend tense up "Watch your tone" 

"Or what?" "What's got into you tonight? Are you gonna be an asshole because I hung out with Junhoe when you told me it was okay and never got annoyed by it before?" "Are you gonna be an asshole and pretend it's okay to go drink with your ex boyfriend all the fucking time while leaving me at home like a dog?!" Jinhwan snorted, his hot-headed nature taking over on his drunken mind "Oh please, you hate going out! You never want to do anything with us, even just with me! Took me three weeks and a camera crew to get you to move your ass and come to an amusement park with me!" 

Chanwoo growled at that. And what about it? He hated going out, especially in crowded places... It was just not his cup of tea. If Jinhwan had a problem with it, he could still "Go with Junhoe, then" "Stop talking about Junhoe, what the fuck did he do to you?! I did nothing wrong!" "YOU DID THAT FUCKING SMILE!" 

There was quite a long pause after that, Jinhwan looking deeply confused, then angry, then kind of... disgusted? It looked like disgust to Chanwoo who was starting to have difficulty in breathing normally. "What the fuck is wrong with you Chanwoo? Are you really yelling at me because I smile to my friend? Is that really what you're doing right now?" Chanwoo couldn't stand that disdainful tone. Yes he was yelling because Jinhwan smiled, and it wasn't stupid! He saw it! The smile! The special smile that should've disappeared more than two years ago! "Don't talk to me with that tone, Jinhwan" "it's hyung to you" Jinhwan's voice was cold, sharper than a knife, and that's how Chanwoo knew he fucked up but it was already too late to back up. Every single time he felt like he wasn't good enough, like Jinhwan could never love him like he used to love Junhoe, like he didn't deserve him, everything was coming back to him like a unstoppable wave drowning him from the inside. His fists clenched against his will. 

"Oh, it's hyung now? You think you're the mature one here? You think I'm being annoying?" "Yes I am. Yes you are". Chanwoo snorted. He got out of his desk chair and started pacing up and down in the small room, anger taking over, making him feel like a stranger in his own usually calm and collected body. "And how do you think I feel when you decide to isolate yourself in your room and drink your feelings like a fucking alcoholic?! Isn't that annoying?! Is that mature?! When we're having a good time and you suddenly make up your mind and now I have to comfort you without even knowing what's wrong! IS THAT MATURE HYUNG?! You make me feel fucking useless all the fucking time! It's always about what you want and you never want me! I don't even know why we're together!" Jinhwan's angry look shifted as soon as it appeared. He looked at Chanwoo with wide watery eyes, his lips quivering. 

"Well, I don't know about you but I'm with you because I love you". 

Chanwoo felt his heart tightening in his chest. Fuck. "I love you too.. I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that, of course I know why... I love you... " Jinhwan didn't look like he was listening. He turned away from the younger, and locked himself in his bathroom. "Go away" Chanwoo felt a single tear falling on his cheek and wiped it stubbornly "Nani..." "Get the fuck out of my room Chanwoo!" "I'm sorry!" "I DON'T CARE!" he heard a dull sound on the other side of the room, like Jinhwan just hit it with his fist. Chanwoo swallowed his spit, kind-of used to witness Jinhwan in one of his bad moods but definitely a stranger to being the cause of it. Should he really go? Wouldn't that make everything worse? He felt like his only chance of making things better was here and now...

Defeated, he sat against the bathroom door and let his head fall against it. Soon enough, he heard Jinhwan sobbing and the quiet echo of his sniffles. He couldn't stand it. He wanted to go in there, take him in his arms and hold him tight until he stopped crying. He couldn't believe he caused this. He was so stupid. "Hyung..." no answer. A long pause. And then he decided he could do without it.

"Nani... I'm sorry. I know you didn't do anything wrong with Junhoe, I trust you... It's just.... I don't know... I know you love me, it's just that I don't know why. You could get anyone you want, you're amazing... you're kind, you're smart, you're funny, you're generous and captivating and you give the best hugs and... I just don't understand how I got lucky enough to be your boyfriend. And of course it's not always perfect but god, nothing ever is. I'm so sorry I said that thing about you drinking, that wasn't fair. You're doing your best, you need some time to yourself once in a while... I guess I just wish you would talk to me instead. I'm here for you... I'm here for you when you start crying and I don't know why. I'll still be here for you if you tell me your reasons, whatever they may be. I love you, you're never a burden to me. I just always feel... like I'm lacking. In everything. Like I'm not... talented enough, handsome enough, nice enough... good enough. It kinds of eats me alive when I hear you've been drinking with Junhoe and he tells you stuff and you listen and... you're so good at listening to people but I don't know I-... I get stuck. When I want to talk about what I feel, it gets stuck in my throat and I really want to share things with you and make you feel like a prince and all of that but it all gets stuck inside of me and I feel terrified of ever letting it out because who knows what's gonna happen when I say all those things out loud? what if I'm right? What if I'm really not good enough? For you, for iKON, for everything we've built together? What if I say all those things and it makes you realize that you shouldn't be with me? That you should be with someone else? With Junhoe... You have that special smile for him... it hurts. And I know he hurt you and you hurt him and you should never be together ever again but I'm so fucking scared of being such a bad boyfriend that you feel like being with him was Heaven in comparaison... And... I don't know... I... I just love you... I'm sorry".

It felt weird when he stopped talking, as if he had got used to hear himself rambling. His tongue was dry and his throat still tight, but he felt better. He never did that before, talking that much about serious things, or anything for the matter. It felt like getting completely naked in plain light in front of someone else... but that person was Jinhwan so he couldn't help but feel safe, somehow. The older stopped crying, at least Chanwoo didn't hear it anymore. The silence lasted for what felt like a decade, in the middle of the night, everyone else in the dorms already in deep sleep. After a while, when he wasn't even waiting anymore but slowly falling asleep against the door, Chanwoo was woken up by the click of the locket being opened. Jinhwan got out of the bathroom, face still swollen and his eyes reddened by tears that had stopped falling.

"Nani..." "You're dumb"

Chanwoo pouted, but still nodded. He knew he was. Jinhwan considered helping him up but finally settled against him on the floor, hiding his face in Chanwoo's shoulder. "I'm so proud of you for telling me all of that... thank you". Chanwoo let out a long sigh, not really knowing what to answer "it's... I guess I should've done it sooner" Jinhwan nodded "you should have... but it's okay. Never think you're lacking, in anything, okay? You're incredible... so kind-hearted... you always want everyone to feel welcome and at ease, even when you're feeling awkward yourself. You have your own kind of humor but once I got used to it you made me laugh so much and you still do everyday... You give me my own space and time to think even when I don't give you any reason and you don't yell at me for it... well, except for tonight but I guess I should've saw that coming. I'll try to explain more about what I feel, I promise. You did it so I can do it too."

Chanwoo nodded, feeling instantly so much lighter. Jinhwan always knew what to say to make everything better. That's why he was the hyung. He got up first, carrying his tiny boyfriend bridal style to his queen size bed and laid him down gently, kissing the top of his head while doing so. Jinhwan sighed in relief, obviously exhausted. When Chanwoo laid down behind him to take him into his arms for the night, he thought Jinhwan was already asleep but he heard him whisper "and that smile I have for Junhoe... it's the smile I get when I remember just how bad we were for each other but how amazing we're doing as friends. I would've never realized that without you. You came into my life, made me feel like I was special... like I deserved better. Like I deserved someone like you. You're perfect for me and I'm perfect for you, right?" Chanwoo kissed his nape fondly, feeling so incredibly lucky "yes we are".

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3 comments and kudos make me the happiest person on earth so feel free to leave some, uwu


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